The holidays are a time for tradition. In recent years, another holiday tradition has emerged in this column—a celebrity wish-list for the season. So this year, in the spirit of Christmas, I have decided to return to this tradition, compiling yet another wish-list for those entertainers and public figures who have brightened our lives and have fueled and flavored our water-cooler chatter throughout the year.
Lindsay Lohan: A big duffle-bagfor all of Hugh Hefner’s money. And a designer, diamond-encrusted case for her electronic monitoring ankle bracelet.
Hugh Hefner: A world without internet leaks.
Demi Moore: @MrsKutcher would like a new Twitter name, please.
The Producers of “Celebrity Wife Swap”: Genuine inspiration.
Joe Paterno: A time machine.
Charlie Sheen, Lady Gaga, Kris Humphries, Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, Natalie Portman, Adele and Emma Stone: Another barnburner of a year like 2011.
Bob & Max Sheen: Charlie & Brooke’s twins are asking Santa for evidence of a hospital mix-up. And their REAL parents, please.
Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon: The opportunity to thumb their noses at everyone who said their marriage wouldn’t last. Oh! And Nick is still waiting for that hit record.
Harold Camping: The doomsday foreseer could use a Magic 8 Ball. (It could only improve his predictive powers.)
The Inventors of “Angry Birds” and “Words With Friends”: Nothing. Thanks to a world where workplace dissatisfaction runs rampant, Christmas came early this year.
Republicans: Twelve new candidates, and a fresh start.
Andy Dick: A headline with his name in it—that doesn’t also include the words “arrested” or “embarrassed.”
Jennifer Aniston: A wedding ring—but she’ll probably have to settle for another bridesmaid dress.
Jennifer Lopez: A well-oiled revolving door, for her well-oiled boy toys. And another year of dating tips from Madonna.
Hosni Mubarak, Tila Tequila, Gabourey Sidibe, and Tiger Woods: 2009.
And, for those who haven’t been keeping tabs on who has been naughty or nice, I have compiled a short (and incomplete) list for easy reference.
NAUGHTY: Anthony Weiner. Miley Cyrus. Lindsay Lohan, again. DMX and Chris Brown, again. Alec Baldwin, again. Michael Lohan, still. Soulja Boy. Wall Street. Congress. Herman Cain. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Chris Hansen. Tracy Morgan. Courtney Love—yes, again. Cee Lo Green.
NICE: Jon Bon Jovi. Bono. All USO entertainers. Ellen DeGeneres, Neil Patrick Harris and Ke$ha, for participating in the “It Gets Better” project. Tom Cruise. Annie Lennox. Jackie Chan. Derek Jeter. Russell Simmons. Lucy Liu. The Amy Winehouse Foundation. Common.
Originally printed in “Pulse,” 12/22/2011.
© Damien Willis, 2011. All rights reserved.